The idea of relying upon a power greater than myself, and turning my will AND my life over to it, was a struggle for me for years. It seemed so counterintuitive to me, that I could believe in something that I could not quantify or had no universally shared description at least, that that power would be able to help me in any way. It seemed silly. The prospect of determining for myself, or borrowing someone else’s conception of a supreme, almighty force, always struck me as weak or entirely unnecessary.
It was instilled in me from a very young age, that I was the only person that I could rely on and that other people would let me down. Self-reliance and competency were celebrated in my family, not religion or spirituality. My family had a tough time talking about God at all. It was never relayed to me that I could have a different idea of what God was than my Dad or my Rabbi. God was never talked about as being abstract or open to interpretation, it was just accepted that he existed.
When I got to AA, and felt as though God had forsaken me, I had to rebuild at once. I’m happy that the only thing I needed to get started was willingness because I had little else besides my desperation to try things someone else’s way. My own way, my own will, kept landing me in treatment centers every few years, crawling back on death’s doorstep once more. Step 3 came much more easily to me this time around because I honestly sought it out and was open-minded enough to have a new experience. Even if I could not, and perhaps still can not, accurately tell you what God is, I can definitely tell you what God is not. Starting with willingness, and at least some idea of the things in my life and in the universe that God was not, let me start to notice and accept what God is.
Making the decision and turning it over
To me, making the decision to turn it over to God, was the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where Indiana steps onto the invisible bridge and is supported by the invisible force. There was no guarantee or promise that there was going to be something to catch him, but after sending up a prayer, he steps out and is saved by an invisible force. That, to me, is the decision and the turning it over. It is as simple as making a decision, do I now wish to get out of my own way and stop trying to control and manipulate everything in my life to unfold exactly how I would have it? Have I even been very effective at doing so, or is my delusion of control making me more miserable than satisfied? When I made the decision, I didn’t even have a fully formed idea of what my higher power was. I just decided that I would give it a try and see what happened. What happened was a feeling of unburdening and liberation. I no longer was at fault or responsible for the way that the world operated. My decision to rely on something other than myself, something that I could not see and could not even accurately describe, set me free. My experience was that it felt better and more empowered to decide to turn my will and my life over. When I tried to analyze and use logic and reason to decide and to turn it over, I was left with fear, anxiety, and dissatisfaction. When I finally decided to try and turn it over entirely, I conversely found faith, grace, and love.
